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Saturday, May 2, 2015

Samhain Flooding and other sentimental shit

Here in Bris-Vegas we have just had some of the worst flooding in years caused by some kind of intense low that is still creating havoc down south. 

And I got stuck right in the middle of it on my way home from my muggle job. It took me 7 hours to get home. I drove through flood waters because the only way was forward, I stalled my car when the engine flooded, I made crying, screaming, swearing phone calls to my wife. And honestly, my beloved Full Mooners, I was seriously worried that this was The End. 5 people died in these floods, and for a short while I wondered if I was going to be one of them, the weather was that wild and the conditions so treacherous. I was not just scared guys - I was Fucking Terrified. 

After I got through what I now refer to as the Gauntlet of Water Near-Death, I was stopped for four hours at North Lakes, where we waited for the waters to recede enough in any direction for us to move forward. Or sideways, any way really. 

It was the most peaceful four hours I've had in a long time. The car was turned off, the rain had stopped, it was dark and it was quiet. 

6 of Swords - what Brisbane's roads looked like yesterday 

Down Under we had celebrated the holiday Samhain the day before. For me, it is not a celebration of the dead, only because I am incredibly fortunate that I have lost very few people in my life and I don't have much knowledge of my ancestry (I only know that my family has firmly entrenched Irish roots) but rather, it is the spiritual New Year, and marks the beginning of the underworld journey that will culminate in the Winter. For me, it is the going down of the Sun and the beginning of withdrawal, new learnings and germination. 

Those four hours waiting for a road to become clear became a physical Long Night of the Soul, something I haven't done in too long. Well played universe. Instead of being impatient and panicky, I was calm because I was on a hill and the water wasn't rising, I was safe, warm and dry. So I decided to go within and see what the time that was being given to me would bring. 

And it brought up some pretty cool, but hard, truths and breakthroughs. 

It was not just the practical stuff like having a plan for the next time this happens (it's Brisbane, there will be a next time, our infrastructure has been totally fucked since the 2011 floods) but really deep shit I have been holding on to that is, like the cliche says, holding me back. 

Like my attachment to work and money. 

Work is just work. I'm not a life saving heart surgeon, I'm an office monkey. A really freaking funny and efficient office monkey, but, it is what it is. I'm so addicted to the idea that I need to prove myself to be hard working and indispensable that I show up no matter what, and this time it cost me. Next time it could be worse, so the next instance that sees a warning of these weather conditions - I'm taking an annual leave day and honouring myself and my safety. 

And money, you arsehole. I let you have such a hold over me. I let myself be defined by the lack I perceive myself to have, and to resent anything that cost money, like car services, physio, groceries, and severely limited the purchase of luxury items like books and clothes because it took me away from "my money" What a stupid notion, what a limited and Four of Pentacles mentality. You know what happens to the guy in the Four of Pentacles? He ends up a miserable miser with nothing but his precious treasure chest, and it doesn't make him happy anyway. I'm heading for a Four of Pentacles life and I really fucking hate that. You know, I've been really falling in love with bone reading, and found two highly recommended books - and promptly got the shits because the shipping from Amazin costs as much as the books. My attachment and attitude to money has to change - it's just money. It's just an exchange. If there's not a lot but I have a rich life, am I really broke? Nah. Not likely. 

I always knew how much I love the special peeps in my life - my wife, my sisters, my few but very close and wonderful friends. But I honestly didn't think I meant as much to them as they did to me. Last night they stayed up late, refusing to go to bed until they knew I was safe. That's pretty fucking special. And it's not egotistical to honour that truth.  

And there's so much I want to learn and delve into, and I keep telling myself I have not got the time, the money, blah blah blah. Bollocks to that, it's time to dive into this stuff and expend myself. I truly feel that time has come. 

All this from being stuck in a flood. I'm not normally one for confessional journal type entries but this really affected me.